Elevator Speech Input!

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Mfitness

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Hey everyone! I have crafted my elevator speech and would really like input and any opinions on it! Here is it:

Larken Fitness offers personalized workout and meal plans to help fellow travelers acquire and maintain health for their body and mind. Your time is valuable and the convenience of having all your meals, grocery lists, and detailed workouts created for you is a huge timesaver. Not to mention the confidence, pride, and quality of life that you will gain from meeting and exceeding your goals. Our on going support, complete personalization, and flexibility is what makes us your best choice for taking control of your health. After all, health is for everyone.
 

djbaxter

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Some grammar and punctuation fixes and I would delete the last sentence:

Larken Fitness offers personalized workout and meal plans to help fellow travelers acquire and maintain health for their body and mind. Your time is valuable and the convenience of having all your meals, grocery lists, and detailed workouts created for you is a huge time saver, not to mention the confidence, pride, and quality of life that you will gain from meeting and exceeding your goals. Our ongoing support, complete personalization, and flexibility is what makes us your best choice for taking control of your health.
This is good for your Google My Business page or ads but you also need to summarize the specifics of what you will offer and at what cost - do you offer different plans, for example.

Do you have a Google My Business page yet? A website? A Facebook Business page?
 

chesterlaw

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I've been reading a few books on persuasion and marketing, so these are my thoughts after being influenced by those ideas.

I would say that your elevator pitch should speak more directly to your prospects' desires. This is just about wording - instead of wording it as Larken Fitness offers customers XYZ benefits, say that customers will get XYZ benefits instead.

I think the biggest problem is just that even after reading it several times, I have only a vague idea of what it is that your business does. Is it a gym? An online coaching service? An in-person assistant?
 

SkyWriting

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Hey everyone! I have crafted my elevator speech and would really like input and any opinions on it! Here is it:
And elevator speech is for another person in an elevator. Is that what you would say to a person 3 feet from you?
 

djbaxter

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SkyWriting

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Hey everyone! I have crafted my elevator speech and would really like input and any opinions on it! Here is it:
Here is just food for thought:

"Have you ever had food effect your mood? What I do thorough Larken Fitness is create a healthy agenda for professionals who travel. Through meal planning and a sleeping and fitness schedule, I help business people avoid the mental fog that they experience from poor nutrition on the road. By locating lodging with healthy food options nearby as well as fitness choices, we can improve the value of a business trip and so help them be more profitable. I am on track to having 200 clients helped with more than 600 business trips by the end of this year. "
 
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